Soon?

After that night in december I had received my answer I had a renewed excitement for trying to have kids. I really felt like anyday we would be pregnant so I didn't worry too much about ovulation test kits and things like that. I used the app I had on my phone to track my period but that was about it.

2012 flew by and there were lots of nights where I was upset but never devastated. I held out hope that soon I would have my little bundle of joy. When the end of 2012 came around we started looking for a house and in February 2013 we officially became homeowners. I was really excited. Everything was coming together! We had a house and I felt like the pieces were coming together and that God was just waiting for us to get this house. Surely we were ready and he would bless us with children any day now.

As the months went on I was getting more and more frustrated! We had started using ovulation test kits and "did it" when we got the positive until it was no longer positive but it wasn't working. I started seeing people around me get pregnant. People who had been married less time than me, people in less stable situations, and people who already had little blessings in their house. I started to doubt the answer I had received.  It was so long ago! Maybe I had just told myself what I wanted to hear because soon hadn't come!

As I struggled I found myself becoming upset with God. Why wouldn't he bless me with children? Hadn't I been good enough? Tried hard enough? I had always been a good person ya I made mistakes but I had always been faithful and tried to do what I was supposed to. Cody expressed to me that he was worried. That he didn't want to try for kids if I was going to turn away from God. He told me it had nothing to do with my worthiness and that maybe our kids weren't ready to come yet. Or maybe we needed better insurance or better jobs. I think when he told me he was worried about me I realized what I was doing and I tried to change my attitude. I worked on reading my scriptures every night, praying to my Father in Heaven, and remembering what I had to be grateful for. I was doing a little better but was itching for a change.

In September I interviewed for an Administrative Assistant position at a financial company and in October 2013 I started this new job!  There were so many good things about this job like the insurance, the pay, the professional environment, and the fact that it was a day job. I had been working nights for the past 1.5 years or so and finally I would get to sleep again! This job also meant that I could buy a basal thermometer and start taking my temps every morning so it was such a big blessing. The only bad thing about the job was that I had to put off children for a few months until I knew I would have fmla when I had a baby.

During this time my cousin got pregnant (sorry if you are reading this). It rocked me! I had always thought that I would have the first baby in our family since I was the oldest grandchild and I had been married first and I didn't know how to feel.  Of course I was happy for her because she had struggled for this baby, but at the same time I was so sad. for about a week I had a serious pity party. I pictured myself watching her belly grow and going to her baby shower and I felt such despair.

To be clear it wasn't because I wished she wasn't pregnant, and it wasn't that I was upset that she had gotten pregnant before me, it was that she had gotten there while I still had no idea why I hadn't.  I felt like everyone could fix their fertility problems except me. I had to wait until 2014 to even start investigating what could be wrong. We had an idea of what might be wrong but if that was the problem we probably wouldn't be able to fix it until mid 2014 and after that the problem might not be fixed for 6 months. I just felt so tired of waiting. Watching everyone else get their happy ending while I sat back wondering if I would ever get mine.

That brings up to today! We are trying again and my hope is again renewed. I feel ready to figure out what is wrong and I am hoping the answer will come quickly! I know it is kinda a rushed version of my story and if any of you out there have any questions or things you felt I skipped over and want to hear about let me know! I want to get information out there that will help others going through this feel not so alone. Maybe you want to know how Cody felt about all this? Let me know! Thanks for reading!

One last thing for those of you who want to follow our story. We are very excited to let you know that we have our first doctor's appointment on Thursday and I will be posting again Saturday to let you know if there is any new news. This doctor's appointment we will just be checking out Cody since the test for men is a little easier. Thanks again for reading and supporting me. After my first post I was so excited to see how many people had viewed my blog! Still it was pretty quiet let me know what you think please! :)