Apologies and realizations

I wish I could say sorry to all those women out there who I wasn't ecstatic for when I found out they were pregnant! I think being happy for others when you aren't able to experience the same joy of getting that positive pregnancy test is one of the hardest things for women who struggle with infertility. I know it is for me. I have talked to quite a few women about it and most agree there is a certain sadness you get when you find out someone you are around often is pregnant.

Don't get me wrong it's not that I don't want to be happy for them, and eventually I am completely happy for them, but in the beginning it's hard for me to feel that happiness for them. When I would hear about a friend getting pregnant I used to cry and go through the same questions each time. Why not me? What am I doing wrong? Am I unworthy to be a mother? Is there something I need to do before God sees that I am ready? These questions would race through my brain and I wasn't always the kindest when answering them to myself!

I have always struggled with feeling like I am a good person. It's not that I do bad things, because I don't, but I just never saw myself as worthy or good. If I had to tell you why I felt that way I don't think I could. I have theories of course but I have never been able to settle on why I have felt this way. All I know is that I have always looked at others and thought they were prettier, more spiritual, more deserving, or just plain better than me. When we started trying to conceive and it wasn't happening it only made those feelings worse. I felt like less of a woman because I couldn't do this one thing that women were made to do!  Cody used to try to make me feel better by saying it could be him but I think deep down I knew it wasn't because of him.

I think I mentioned this before but I started kind of turning away from God. I didn't pray like I should have because I felt like I had tried that and answers didn't come. I still went to church but I wasn't happy with things and I felt like I had tried so long to be so good and it didn't matter I still wasn't worthy to be a mother. I was upset pretty much all the time and was very negative. It took Cody saying he was worried about me to kind of snap me out of it and realize that I was headed down a dark path!  I started praying again and reading my scriptures and just focusing on relying on the Lord. It's amazing the difference I felt almost immediately.  It is still so hard not knowing what is wrong with me and not knowing if it will be fixed, but it's not as hard. I still pray every night for answers that have yet to come, but I keep praying. It's amazing to me how much love, peace, and support I have felt from my Heavenly Father these past few months. I truly feel like he is aware of my and my struggles, and he is just waiting to bless us.  I just wish I had figured this out earlier!

I wish I had worked harder at relying on the Lord when I first started this journey. It could have saved me a lot of heartache. I feel like if I had made my focus my Heavenly Father from the beginning instead of getting my baby here a.s.a.p. I would have been able to enjoy and celebrate all those amazing women's pregnancies right from the get go. I just wish I could hug them all and tell them how sorry I am and how truly happy I am for them. So all you ladies out there I send the biggest hug to you! (Please wrap your arms around yourself and pretend it's me)!

It took me longer than it should have to learn all of this! I am so glad that I have finally learned that just because someone else gets pregnant it doesn't mean they took something from me. Their baby was never going to be my baby, it's not like they stole them from me. Just because they were pregnant didn't mean anyone would be less excited when I was pregnant. I still have to tell myself this every once in a while but not too often, ;) I remind myself everyday that it's okay if my baby doesn't come right when I want them to, having to wait for them will just make me love them even more when they finally come.

I just wanted to add one more thing and I hope this will comfort some of you out there who have lost babies, will never have babies, or haven't been blessed with them quite yet. You are a mother!  It doesn't matter if your babies are here on this earth or with their Heavenly Father, you are a mother. Even if you never give birth to children you can still be a mother! There are so many children out there looking for good mothers and good women out there to watch over them. I feel so strongly about this! Please remember, you are a mother!