Short little update!

So just a little update on what's going on lately! I am going in for surgery Tomorrow, and Monday I had my pre-op appointment! It wasn't too exciting they just took my blood and I had to take a pregnancy test to make sure I wasn't pregnant. BIG SURPRISE... I'm not! Ha ha. So then they just went over what is going to happen!

The good news is that we should know what is going on right after my surgery! My doctor said that we would let Cody know what they found while I was in recovery so I am giving Cody my questions so I can hopefully do a blog post Saturday while I am lying around all day! I will be going in for surgery around 12:30pm which I was a little bummed to hear! I was hoping I would be able to get the surgery done in the morning but it's okay I will take whatever they can give me!

I asked my doctor on Monday how long he suggested we wait before we started trying again. The answer wasn't exactly what I expected but it's okay I guess! He wants me to wait one cycle before we start trying again. I am bummed because I was hoping that we might be able to get pregnant by mother's day and my chances would have been better if I didn't have to wait. I just keep reminding myself that he knows best and that I need to take care of myself, but it still bums me out! There is still a chance he will change his mind depending on what he finds tomorrow so hopefully I don't have to wait longer than a month to get back to trying!

Other than that we don't know much more! I never thought I would hope for endometriosis but I am! I just want to know that this is what it is, get it taken care of, and get pregnant! I am tired of wondering what is wrong with me! So as silly as it sounds I am hoping they find MILD endometriosis on Friday! I mean come on I am not crazy I am not wishing for a major hardship, but I would like an explanation! :) Thank you to all those amazing people out there who have been keeping us in your prayers! I even had a friend put me on the prayer roll in the Temple so thank you so much for that!! I am so grateful for all the support and I don't think I would be able to be this strong without it! Until next time!

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The Adventures of Breet!

I was just looking at my other blog that I haven't posted on forever! The adventures of Breet and noticed I had some stuff on there about our infertility journey! I just thought I would mention it on here just in case anyone was interested in popping over to that blog to read about how I was feeling in the moment! Here's the link http://breetslifestory.blogspot.com/.

I am thinking about trying to post a little more over there but use it for more day to day stuff that I think you guys might find interesting and then dedicate this blog to baby stuff! It would be great if you want to comment below and let me know what you think! :) Thanks for reading this short little blog post! :)

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Apologies and realizations

I wish I could say sorry to all those women out there who I wasn't ecstatic for when I found out they were pregnant! I think being happy for others when you aren't able to experience the same joy of getting that positive pregnancy test is one of the hardest things for women who struggle with infertility. I know it is for me. I have talked to quite a few women about it and most agree there is a certain sadness you get when you find out someone you are around often is pregnant.

Don't get me wrong it's not that I don't want to be happy for them, and eventually I am completely happy for them, but in the beginning it's hard for me to feel that happiness for them. When I would hear about a friend getting pregnant I used to cry and go through the same questions each time. Why not me? What am I doing wrong? Am I unworthy to be a mother? Is there something I need to do before God sees that I am ready? These questions would race through my brain and I wasn't always the kindest when answering them to myself!

I have always struggled with feeling like I am a good person. It's not that I do bad things, because I don't, but I just never saw myself as worthy or good. If I had to tell you why I felt that way I don't think I could. I have theories of course but I have never been able to settle on why I have felt this way. All I know is that I have always looked at others and thought they were prettier, more spiritual, more deserving, or just plain better than me. When we started trying to conceive and it wasn't happening it only made those feelings worse. I felt like less of a woman because I couldn't do this one thing that women were made to do!  Cody used to try to make me feel better by saying it could be him but I think deep down I knew it wasn't because of him.

I think I mentioned this before but I started kind of turning away from God. I didn't pray like I should have because I felt like I had tried that and answers didn't come. I still went to church but I wasn't happy with things and I felt like I had tried so long to be so good and it didn't matter I still wasn't worthy to be a mother. I was upset pretty much all the time and was very negative. It took Cody saying he was worried about me to kind of snap me out of it and realize that I was headed down a dark path!  I started praying again and reading my scriptures and just focusing on relying on the Lord. It's amazing the difference I felt almost immediately.  It is still so hard not knowing what is wrong with me and not knowing if it will be fixed, but it's not as hard. I still pray every night for answers that have yet to come, but I keep praying. It's amazing to me how much love, peace, and support I have felt from my Heavenly Father these past few months. I truly feel like he is aware of my and my struggles, and he is just waiting to bless us.  I just wish I had figured this out earlier!

I wish I had worked harder at relying on the Lord when I first started this journey. It could have saved me a lot of heartache. I feel like if I had made my focus my Heavenly Father from the beginning instead of getting my baby here a.s.a.p. I would have been able to enjoy and celebrate all those amazing women's pregnancies right from the get go. I just wish I could hug them all and tell them how sorry I am and how truly happy I am for them. So all you ladies out there I send the biggest hug to you! (Please wrap your arms around yourself and pretend it's me)!

It took me longer than it should have to learn all of this! I am so glad that I have finally learned that just because someone else gets pregnant it doesn't mean they took something from me. Their baby was never going to be my baby, it's not like they stole them from me. Just because they were pregnant didn't mean anyone would be less excited when I was pregnant. I still have to tell myself this every once in a while but not too often, ;) I remind myself everyday that it's okay if my baby doesn't come right when I want them to, having to wait for them will just make me love them even more when they finally come.

I just wanted to add one more thing and I hope this will comfort some of you out there who have lost babies, will never have babies, or haven't been blessed with them quite yet. You are a mother!  It doesn't matter if your babies are here on this earth or with their Heavenly Father, you are a mother. Even if you never give birth to children you can still be a mother! There are so many children out there looking for good mothers and good women out there to watch over them. I feel so strongly about this! Please remember, you are a mother!

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Random bits of randomness!

I am so sorry I haven't posted for a week or so! I have been racking my brain trying to decide what I wanted to blog about while I am waiting for my crazy week next week and I have been having a tough time! All I can think about is this Laparoscopy and I think it is causing a minor case of writer's block!

One thing I wanted to do was recommend some video blogs on youtube that you might want to check out! The first one is one I have been watching for a while, and has helped me a lot while going through this journey. The web address is http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYv8VkKxvmfYIRbowQALwCw, and it follows the story of Jared and Ellie! Ellie has P.C.O.S which I had never really heard of until I watched her youtube channel, but this vlog was the one that made me really want to go to my doctor! While watching these two I realized that my problem could be easily fixed if I just went to my doctor and that I wouldn't know unless I was brave enough to try! I don't think they know who I am but if you check them out please tell them I sent you! One thing I loved about watching these guys is that they are local!! They live in Provo and I believe Ellie is from the Roy area so it was fun to watch them knowing they were right in my backyard! :) They have a cute baby boy now which I also loved! They had a happy little ending and it helps me believe I will too!

The other video blog I want to recommend is by Cullen and Katie! The link is http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPYnVLuSSqX4KJ9vfup2FcQ. These guys are awesome and I love their accents! They are located in Alabama and have gone through 2 miscarriages! They are so sweet and positive and they have shown me that there are some amazingly strong resilient people out there! They are also pretty funny! They do daily vlogs and I have loved that they are real! They vlog on good days and bad no matter what, and I have loved that about them! They make you feel like they are your friends which is crazy that you can feel that way about strangers but it's also pretty cool!

These guys have kind of become my role models! I know they have touched thousands of lives and I am hoping in my journey I will be able to do that too! I don't claim to be an amazing writer, in fact I know I am definitely not an amazing writer, but I hope that I can touch other people's lives.

I never thought that I would struggle to get pregnant, I never worried about IF I would be a mom I always thought it would happen easily, but I am grateful for this trial.  I have truly become a stronger person through this experience and while there are still days I just want to stay in bed and cry, I know that I am still becoming stronger everyday.  I am so glad that I can share my story. I thought I was an open book before but I am finding now that I wasn't ha ha. Now I truly am an open book and while it is a little scary sharing such personal things with the world, I am so grateful for the experience. I have had so much support from you all and have been blown away with how safe and loved you all have made me feel.

Now comes to my plea! If you have anything you would like me to write about let me know! A lot of this past week has been me trying to guess what you all might want to hear and I don't want you to get bored with me so if you have a burning question just ask it! You can even do it anonymously through a blog comment on here so no one has to know it was you! :) I will be watching for questions!! Seriously..... just ask, just comment! :) If you check out those blogs let me know what you think and if you subscribe to them let them know I sent you! I will try to get another blog post in this weekend or next week before the laparoscopy! TTFN ~ Ta Ta For Now

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Progress

This probably won't be the most eloquent written blog you have ever read. I am still processing this past week but I felt like I needed to write it all down so that I can hopefully get it all straight in my head so please be gentle with me. :)

I started out the week anxious. I knew it was going to be a big week and I was excited and nervous at the same time! I left work early on Monday and headed to my doctor's appointment (singing at the top of my lungs the whole way there). Once I got into the doctor's office I got a surprise! I found out not only was I doing blood work that day I was also getting an ultrasound!  I was a little shocked and completely unprepared mentally. So while they left me to get ready I tried to prepare myself to see my first look at my insides... I don't think I did a very good job! The doctor came in and started the ultrasound, it didn't take him long to find that I had 10-12 cysts on each ovary. After we were done with the ultrasound I got my blood drawn and waited for my doctor to come back so I could ask him a few questions.

When my doctor came back I asked him what finding the cysts meant. I had heard about P.C.O.S (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) so I asked him if he thought that was what it was but he told me he actually thought that I had endometriosis.  I don't know much about that but I do know it scares me more than P.C.O.S so on my way home I started to freak out just a little. I started thinking about everything that I did know about endometriosis. I have heard that birth control slows endometriosis which I have not been on since a month after Cody and I were married and that's about all I know. So I was a little worried about that.

When I got home Cody held me for a minute since I had already called and let him know what the doctor had said and then I decided instead of lying around worrying I would go to zumba! Good choice since I go with my mother in law and she has been through all the endometriosis. After an hour of zumba and a good talk with my Mother in law I was feeling a little better and I was ready for Tuesday and the HSG procedure.

Tuesday morning we woke up and ran to the store before we headed up to the hospital. The HSG thing is a little painful but it wasn't bad as I was prepared for so I was grateful for that.  The P.A that did the procedure for me was awesome and said that the X-rays looked great. All I had to do now was go home and wait to hear what the doctor had to say and hope the cramping went away! :p

We didn't hear from the doctor on Tuesday but I wasn't really expecting to but today I was anxious for my phone to ring... it did. I got to talk to my doctor and he said that the blood work and HSG looked good and that he wanted to do the Laparoscopy on March 14th. Sooo... Now we are waiting again! I have a pre-op exam on March 10th and then on March 14th I will get the laparoscopy and hopefully confirm and get rid of the endometriosis so we can get pregnant.

I am a little nervous about getting all of this done but I think more than being nervous I am excited. I just want to get this done tomorrow ha ha I want to know what is going on and just get a baby in my belly! I am excited to ovulate this cycle too because there is still a chance that I don't have endometriosis and I just had a blockage and we could get pregnant right??? A girl can hope right? I just feel so lucky that I have so many people supporting me! Thanks for asking me about what is going on (that has helped me want to blog) :) I feel like I have been making some good friends through this process. Thanks for your friendship and as always please like the blog post comments/questions on the blog and facebook and feel free to follow my blog too! I have been toying with the idea of trying a video blog but I don't know if it would be that great... So seriously any suggestions you more experienced bloggers or vloggers out there have is welcome!

Until next time...

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X ray explanation

Thanks to Janna for the comment, this is me trying to answer your question!!  Sorry I kind of just mention this X ray a ton and don't ever explain it! That was partly because I didn't know too much about it but thanks to WebMD I pretty much understand it! Obviously I will have more information when I actually get the procedure done but I do think I know enough now that I can explain the basics! Hopefully this all makes sense! :)

Okay so the procedure is called a hysterosalpingogram or HSG. It is an X ray that looks into your fallopian tubes, uterus, and the surrounding area.  They do this my inserting a catheter or other thin tube into you and insert dye. The dye then travels into your uterus and up into the fallopian tubes and they take x rays while it makes it way through you. They do it to check for blockages, abnormality in the uterus, or foreign objects (what?! That freaks me out a little).

The whole procedure takes about 15-20 minutes and can have fairly little pain associated with it or it can be very painful depending on the person (hoping for little to no pain).  Then you are all done and you wait for the results.  Like I said before for some women the dye that was inserted actually cleared the blockage and they get pregnant pretty quick after so of course that's the ideal! I am hoping I will be one of those lucky women but I guess we will have to wait and see.  Hopefully this answered your question and if any of you lucky women out there have to get this done now you know a little more about it! :)

I seriously live for the comments so don't be afraid to ask! I am an open book! :) Thanks for the comments and thanks for the support!

Until next time!

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Didn't have to wait long!

Okay so I know I just posted like yesterday but today I am officially on day 1 of my cycle and I am going in to get my blood drawn again on Monday the 17th and then I get my HSG/X ray done Tuesday February 18th! So I think next week will be an emotional crazy week! Needless to say my hubby is super excited to take care of me and all my emotions haha.

I am pretty excited and nervous! I feel like this is going to be a big turning point in our lives! Cody and I have talked about having kids but now we are actually taking charge! Thanks to all of you who have shown your support, I definitely need it!

On a more spiritual side I have to say I have been amazed by how much my savior has given me lately! I feel overwhelmed by the love, peace, and comfort I have felt, sometimes at the hands of my lovely husband, and other times from all of you! Several times this last week especially I have felt overwhelmed with the spirit and have felt God's love for me and for all women! I don't mean to get into religion on here but I just had to share how I have been feeling because it has been such a blessing! I was reading in Luke today about Christ and some of the miracles he performed for women and almost started crying on the frontrunner because it just hit me so hard. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love the women of this world. They are aware of you and your struggles, and if you draw near to them you will feel their love constantly!

I will leave you with that until next week! Thanks for reading!

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